Part I: Initial Advice
First I’d like to mention that this article is coming from the perspective of a male, therefor it is generally aimed at other men like myself. However relationship advice is often universal, and there is no reason why a woman can’t read this and gain some perspective for herself. You can take my advice or leave it but remember, I am genuinely trying to offer guidance based on experience, if this helps one person I’d consider it worth it.
Secondly I’d like to say that the information here is the best I can give for a general break up situation. Every scenario is different, so you have to use your own common sense. There is no sure-fire way of winning back your ex girlfriend, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar, and probably just wants to to sell you something. I get no profit from writing these articles. I always do my best to tell people the truth, and give them genuine advice, instead of just telling them what they want to hear to feel better in the moment. The truth is not always what people want to hear, it’s what people need to hear.
Anyway like I said this advice is coming from my personal experience. Believe me, I know how a breakup feels, and if you’re reading this chances are someone has broken up with you, and naturally you’re angry and upset. First thing to do, remember that you are in an emotional state of mind, and that it will definitely affect your judgement and decisions. So stop for a second, and calm down. Don’t do anything you might regret later. Also keep in mind the pain of getting dumped never lasts. You’re going to gradually feel better day by day. Also keep in mind it’s happened to just about everyone, breakups literally happen all the time. As bad as you feel, you can be sure there is some other poor smuck somewhere right now feeling the exact same way you do.
You are not alone.
But hopefully we’ll have you feeling better and have you back together with your girl. If that’s what you want.
And that’s a good question by the way. If you’re going to put effort into getting back together with someone, make sure it’s someone you genuinely want. Do a little examination of your reasons as to why you even want this person back. And if they are even worth it in the first place. Some guys want their ex girlfriends back not because they really like them that much, but because they assume they will never get another girl. Do not be one of these guys, it’s a desperate state of mind and will only set you up for more future rejection and failure. Your happiness and self esteem should be dependent on some gjrl.
Oh, and she is upset too. Trust me. Chances are you both talked everyday, on the phone, in person, or online, whatever. And now you’re not speaking to each other. Believe me, she is noticing this sudden huge void in her life too. A lot of guys fear that after a girl breaks up with them she is off somewhere dancing having the time of her life and completely cleansed of any thoughts of any regret whatsoever, or even worse, she’s with another guy. This is our paranoid thinking. Rest assured she is definitely thinking about you. And despite appearances she can’t help but feel the simmering loneliness and frustration of not being able to talk to you, like she used to.
But here’s the thing, she won’t feel that way if you continue to call her ten times a day…
Part II: Validation
And this part is very important. You have to understand something, when a girl breaks up with you, they are never… never… 100% sure they made the right decision. Especially if you had a good relationship, and shared some special moments and feelings. She will always wonder if she has made a mistake by throwing away something good. Woman especially believe in the “worth of feelings” and all that. They can be very indecisive when it comes to them. (And hey I’m not trying to be sexist, it’s just the truth).
However, because she’s not 100% sure, she will be sub-consciously searching for a reason to validate her decision of breaking it off with you. And it’s YOUR job to not give it to her. Do not call her ten times a day, do not beg her to come back, do not stalk her, do not bother her friends, her parents, and definitely do not threaten or harm her. I guarantee by doing any of those things you will only be killing any possible chances you might of ever had of getting back together. And sadly, in some way she wants you to do these things. That way she can confirm her decision. Like I said, she is looking to alleviate herself of any doubt that she made the right decision. And if you show your pathetic, stupid or angry feelings, it will only tell her that she made the right choice. Don’t give her what she wants. Keep her wondering about you. And take control of the situation.
Now of course “taking control of the situation” is extremely difficult because you’re the fucking one who just got dumped you pretty much have no control. Anything you do or say is going to be under suspicion of you trying to get back together or turn the tables. You see, the second she breaks up with you she has complete control over the relationship. She has just set a huge boundary by saying “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” The control has completely shifted to her corner. You’ve got to take some of it back. The first way you do this, is just like I said, do not become emotional, especially in front of her. If you’re going to cry, do it alone… in your room… with the door shut… and the light off and TV on… But try not to dwell on her too much. Trust me, somehow women just know when you’re doing it. But even more importantly…
Part III: The Thirty Day Rule
Do not call her…
AT ALL.
I know you feel like calling her, trying to work things out. Or you just want to hear her voice again. I know it’s hard to resist the urge, but don’t. DO NOT CONTACT HER. Seriously. Try to do something to distract yourself. Do something you enjoy. I know you don’t feel like it, but hey at this point you’r going to feel like shit whatever you do. Trust me, calling her will only make it worse and you’re only going to be digging yourself a deeper hole.
And this is going to be even more difficult, but do not pick up HER calls either. Really, none of them. Or if you do, or accidentally pick up her call occasionally, be very brief and act busy, quickly tell her you gotta go and split. Don’t be an asshole, and don’t act bitter. Simply do not give her the time of day. You should wait an entire month before you even have a conversation with her. The point here is to make yourself unavailable. Put her in the pattern of chasing you now, not the other way around. The last thing you want to do is hang around her like a begging little dog, waiting and hoping for her to give you the okay to resume the relationship. Girls are turned off by this pathetic behavior because you are way too available. Believe it or not, girls like it when guys have a certain level of control over them, and the relationship. Girl’s like guys who lead them, not the other way around. If you’re sitting around waiting in the palm of her hand, you aren’t leading shit. She is, and she will lose respect and interest in you real fast.
But not only that. There’s something else you should consider, and that’s self respect. If a girl can just break up with you, and get back together with you whenever she feels like it, then what’s stopping her from doing it again? Taking this kind of abuse is not only damaging to your relationship, but your own self esteem. A girl, just like a small child has to know that her actions have consequences. She has to know now that she’s broken up with you, things will be different, her decision may have permanently closed the door.
Like I said, give it a month before you really have a full conversation with her. This might sound hard, and you might be afraid that she’ll forget about you. But it will have the opposite effect, she will become more and more interested in you everyday you don’t call her. If you do not contact her or respond to her as much, she will start to think about you more and more. She will start to wonder why you’re not responding to her, she will wonder what you’re doing, if you’re even interested in getting back together, she will start to wonder if you have forgotten about her, or maybe you even met someone else. Like I said before, if there was the slightest bit of doubt in her mind before about breaking up, that doubt will grow more and more. because she now sees there are consequences to her decisions, and she will wonder if she made the wrong choice.
Part IV: Laws of Attraction
Keep in mind one of the biggest rules in human attraction is that “we peruse that which retreats from us.” (The Tao of Steve) Just like when we were little kids, the toy that we were allowed to play with was never as intriguing as the toy that’s was off limits. Adam and Eve, and the forbidden fruit. It’s definitely the same with women and men, if she can call you up and reach you any time she wants, and get back together with you, then dump you and do it all over again, you’re nothing to her.
Here’s a perfect example spoken by an actual female on the subject of attraction. A girl I knew told me this a long while ago, and I will never forget. (Even though I did forget how she said it exactly… I will try to quote her as best as I remember:)
“When I call a guy, and he doesn’t call me back immediately I start thinking about him more and more every hour he doesn’t return my call… It gets to the point where I think about him every five minutes. I get crazy… All these thoughts are going through my head, I wonder what he’s doing, why he hasn’t called me back, or if he’s even going to call me at all. It gets me so excited, It feels like I have butterflies in my stomach waiting for him to call me back.” As she put it.
Women want a challenge, if you become too easy or accessible they get bored and lose interest. However, this is not only about that, this is also about standing your own ground. Having respect for yourself. Do not let a women walk all over you whenever she wants. Be a man and lay down your own boundaries. Not a pathetic little lap dog ready to jump back into her arms unconditionally whenever she gives you the okay. She will not respect you, but more importantly you will not respect yourself.
Now before I end this I would like to talk about one last thing, in no particular order but I think it’s important to mention so here goes.
Part V: “Friends”
In any break up situation, a word you’re inevitably going to hear is “Friends.” Or more likely you will hear this exact sentence “can’t we still be friends?” This is a very touchy thing right here, because as I’m sure as many of you well know, breaking out of the friendship category is like escaping Alcatraz. You might as will literally cement on your forehead “buddy” because that’s all she’s going to see when she looks at you. However when you look at her, you still want to fuck her. And that right there is the problem. A lot of girls will argue it’s possible for guys and gals to be “friends.” It’s not you idiots. If a girl is even remotely attractive, guys are going to be sexually attracted to her. Period.
Now there are a lot of good looking girls who have a lot of male “friends.” You’ll meet these particular kinds of girls often. And honestly, I would avoid them. From what I’ve seen, women like that who constantly surround themselves with guys are either:
A: Idiots who are completely oblivious that every one of her guy friends wants to nail her.
B: Completely aware that every one of her guy friends wants to nail her, and enjoys the attention. (Usually this).
Women who surround themselves with guys, in general are trouble, believe me. You don’t want the extra hassle of having to worry about a bunch of her “friends” let alone other guys wanting to fuck your woman. And these guys are literally always the same. They hang around your girl waiting for an opportunity. The second she has problems with you, or the second you have an argument or a particularly bad fight, she will call them up crying about you, and they will be “there for her.” It’s all bullshit. These guys are like vultures, waiting for your relationship to drop dead so they can pick the bones. And in my opinion, it’s pathetic, I would not do it. Nor would I hang around a girl when she has a boyfriend. I prefer to be forthcoming about my intentions, if I want to fuck her, I pretty much let her know in so many words, either by joking or just straight up telling her. I like to let my intentions be known instead of slithering around acting like I “just wants to be friends.” I really find that disgusting. And let’s be honest, girls know exactly what we want anyway, why act otherwise? But some guys are just like that. They play games, even worse than women themselves.
So like I said it’s very touchy how to deal with the question of “can we be friends.” Honestly my best advice is to not agree to this and simply not answer it any way you possibly can, without sounding too bitter or angry. And really, you shouldn’t be talking to her much anyway, if you followed my other advice you won’t have to deal with this question in the first place. And let’s be honest, it’s all bullshit anyway. How can she expect to be friends with you when she dumped you and knows you probably still have intimate feelings for her? What she’s basically saying by wanting to be “friends” is “I know you still have feelings for me but I don’t, so I want you to hang around while I enjoy the awkward sexual tension and attention.” No. The whole friends thing is simply another way for her to feel better over her breaking up with you, and yet again goes back to her need to validate her decision. If you fall for the “friends” question she will only be able to write you off that much quicker.
But even worse and another thing to consider is a lot of girls can be vindictive, she will literally keep you around as her friend while you witness her dating other guys in front of you when she knows very well you still have feelings for her. She will act oblivious to your feelings but believe me, women do these kinds of things, and they know exactly what they are doing. Don’t be that guy.
End: Live Well
So that’s it really. As you know now obviously this article wasn’t meant to give you “step by step instructions to win your ex back.”It’s really an attitude guide and a general “How you should carry yourself” in that situation kind of thing. The truth is there are no solid 1-2-3 steps to getting your girlfriend or boyfriend back, because those steps don’t exist. Nor is there any guarantee you’ll be reunited with your ex. And like I said, anyone who tells you otherwise is probably just trying to sell you something. But more than the steps you “should take,” these are more things you shouldn’t do, so you don’t ruin any chance you might have… I do believe if you follow my advice, you have the highest probability of turning the tables and getting back together… But keep in mind the advice given here is also not just for breakups, but for relationships and just all around self preservation.
But really, for all the things I’ve said in this entire article, one of the single best things you can do is live well, and take care of yourself.
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